I kept the box hidden for no one to see or find, but there was one who would never stop searching until he was able to securely get his hands on the map and ultimately the key. Beyond my gut feeling, I volunteerly pulled the box out myself and said, “HERE”. The box carried a healed heart that I personally had GOD heal so that I could have a mustard seed of “FAITH” that it would be okay but I wasn’t very cautious when I put the box on the table. I spent several weeks, holding on to the box before I actually presented it to him wondering then praying if I was doing the right thing.
There it layed gently bruised all doctor up back into “good” condition ready to be placed in the right hands so it could be nuture and treat like gold but I was wrong. Once again, I placed it into the hands of a liar, mind abuser, no deciding individual who didn’t know the 1st thing about LOVE or what it had to give. Like no other he to began to fake it til he make it until he could no longer cover up that he mistreated my heart like an G.I. Joe toy that had been missing his arms and legs. By that time, my heart started bleeding uncontrollably and needed to operate on once again. But I asked myself, “Can it be saved one last time?”.
As of right now, I honestly don’t know the answers because I actually began to let it die because I’m tired of picking my heart up off the ground or taking the 9” knife out. The pain is too unbearable to even speak on let alone ask someone to fix after it had been protected for the world for so long. It was safe, unharmed and being managed by someone who I knew would NEVER damage it….. GOD.
At the end of the day, I let my heart die just so that I don’t have to feel that pain anymore or deal with the memories of who I let have it. If it’s meant to be one day, someone will give me theirs to make me a believer until then having a heart today is like asking for butt shots…… The shit is superficial.
I used to believe in those 4 STRONG WORDS that people used to tell 1 another when they felt it in their hearts to do so…now people just say it to hurt, misuse, mislead and cause all kind of drama emotionally. I’m beginning to realize that LOVE doesn’t know me either. I’ve come to the realization that maybe it isn’t room in my life to experience it or touch the beginning letter that leads to final E. I’ve had many days of falling tears, headaches and a swollen face while listening to my IPOD only to do it all over again when you think about what LOVE has done to turn your world upside down and be so cold, you become very distant and unfamiliar.
I pray to GOD repeatedly asking why can’t I experience the REAL meaning behind it or stop putting those in front of me that express the words coming out of the mouths only to never once see their actions which are suppose to be behind it 100%. Love can be so too faced like the friend who really wants to see you fail with double butcher knives but smiles constantly in your face like everything between you two are just the greatest. Love can make you smile, happy, head over the heels, cry, go crazy, fight hell even kill because of the emotions felt behind the power of using it.
Too much is going on to even catch a glimpse of it or it’s hidden in a well deep disguise behind another mask with a whole bunch of bullshit or drama that causes more harm than happiness. I watch my friends fall victims to the Destruction of Love, and a few float across a couple of cloud 9’s to happiness at the end of the aisle. I always tell them I want them to find happiness and what it has to bring years to come but in the end one of us gets that “Bish, lemme tell you wtf he has done” call to throwing another jersey number to them while patting the seat next to us on the “Single Bench” AGAIN.
But we can’t make these stereotypes to the Men of not being shit because now it’s the Women too… The funny part is more men settle down and marry the hoes and leave us decent, real women with goals, ambition and independency wondering if we should turn over a new leaf. While Men shield behind their feelings by putting their hearts in that Nike box in the left side of closet while pulling out the “lemme test her to see if it’s real” black book first before I like this bish.
I can honestly say I have really lost interest in meeting the real thing because the road towards it has been emotionally and mentally draining. Nobody has the patience nor the time to invest in it when they can run to the nearest ”Dollar Tree” and pick up the cheapest imitation because the version we all need comes with a hefty price…….. OUR HEARTS.
I have been on here in awhile but I comin back for my first blog in 8 mos….TOMORROW!! :)))
I’ve been away too long….but here goes:
As I watched all these “NEW” Reality shows that how shows much INTEREST networks have with us WOMEN, it really makes me wonder is this a reality check so that you stay grounded within your circle? Or is it showing you examples of how we call those “true friends” when indeed they may not? I posted on facebook yesterday: “I thank GOD for all the genuine friendships I received throughout the years because these shows RHOA/BBW/LOVE&Hip-Hop really shows me why I don’t fuck with a lot of females”. But the thing of it is just because I thought OUR “friendship” was genuine doesn’t mean they did because once something goes bad they tend to stray away as if you never existed. Now is that what REAL friends do these days? Because I’ve always treated the word “FRIENDSHIP” like I use the word “I Love You”…. NOT OFTEN. We all have circles, cliques or special bonds we share with certain people where we share our secrets, our pains, our childishness, our heartbreaks and our gossip with because we TRUST them and honestly believe that we have found a blessing in a true friend. But the minute, when things ain’t so cute they either trying to blast yo ass on facebook, twitter or to someone else who has connections on both ends, now all the laundry has ever been clean, dry and folded or dumped in the dirty laundry basket waiting for someone to sort it out. Maturity plays a huge part in accepting someone downfalls, lifestyle, certain ways and characteristics. If you can’t accept that person for being just who the hell they are or always talking negatively about them why continue to create a path that leads to FAKE ASS FRIENDSHIP??? Many of us women misunderstood what friends are, some of us think because we hit the bars or clubs together we’re FRIENDS, we work at the same job and go to lunch together we’re FRIENDS, sit down in the salon chair while you styling my hair that we’re FRIENDS or when we meet up with others for girls’ nite out…we’re FRIENDS…. child please that’s just a casualties crossing paths when a good time is presented.
While on the other hand, you share a friendship that’s being showed through many actions that this person can be accounted for when the sky starts to turn really dark and clouds began to form a heavy storm. They never pass judgement but give you words of encouragement, give you a helping hand when others keep a closed fist, OPENING both ears to listen when others play deaf or only hear what they wanna hear, NEVER kicked you while you were down but breakthrough to help get you back on your feet. There’s no such thing as a “Perfect” relationship because if there’s one then it’s FAKE period. You won’t agree on everything and your ways may be crossed all over when theirs may be straight down the middle but when it begins to storm you both huddle under that 1 umbrella and ride it out. So many of us fall out over the pettiest shit whether it’s something you heard, misunderstandings or just couldn’t agree to disagree. It makes you wonder “WE’RE WE EVER FRIENDS IN THE FIRST PLACE??”……
I’m learning that it takes a humble, forgiving person to step forward and admit when you added your own sparks to brew a small bullshit grease fire. No matter what others may say or view you, it’s about making yourself a better person now and in the long run for growth, maturity and blessings. Even after you make amends or peace, they may act accordingly but still turn to the next person and throw shade like the sun is beaming dead in their eyes but what does it matter??? You did what YOU thought was right, you can sleep better at night and don’t have to worry about Karma never attempting to know your address, you will know the exact ”role” you played in someone else’s life while you gave them their title…..FRIEND
Honestly, I walked away from all this due to my own personal issues instead of picking up my pen and letting it all out as a stress reliever but I need to make sure what I was writing is what I wanted.
It’s like I’m watching what’s going on around me like the big flat screen T.V.’s that hang in the sports bar or lounges so you can see all the games at one time, not missing a point being scored or a foul being called. But when the remote clicks the off button then what? That’s when it’s time to really think about what you saw.. I’ve watched people change like the weather forget who they are and become someone they’re not… I’ve watched people with money burn through it like smoking a new swisher freshly rolled out the ashtray..I’ve watched friends become faker than a $3 bill…. I’ve watched people’s marriages and relationships crumble like old stale bread placed on the ground for the “birds” to eat… I’ve watched people work so hard just to provide the basic necessities to live searching for a sign of relief so they can breathe a little easier. It’s like watching the same repeats they show after they cancelled your favorite show and you wonder why?? Because this show was my shit!!
I can’t imagine what my children will have to see when they’re able to watch the “RATED R” programming that will soon become apart of their lives. Growing up, I watched so many things that made me think I would become a pediatrician, be married by the time I was 25 and have a boy and a girl… did that happen NOPE!.. Instead I became a mother at 15 years, ran the streets, sold drugs, had relationships with the bad boys and kept a chip on my shoulder I dared ANYBODY to touch but you grow up and look at life so different. I never imagine witnessing the things I read in the newspaper, catch on the news at 5, on twitter or even on the phone. My generation is falling apart faster then a slow cooked roast, we’ve been exposed to the glitz and glamour of life thinking it so much better than facing the reality of what we’re dealing with on a daily basis. We stop looking for hardwork that comes with success only to sell our souls to get a deal that could potentially bring in millions only to become a slave of broken promises and going broke because you’ve never cashed a check worth $500K. Went from striving for the best education to just wanting the basic street knowledge and we will figure out the rest when I get deep in the game.
Instead of finding someone that shares the same values, beliefs and wants as you, we engage in high sexual activity to shield out wanting to just be loved and appreciated by just ONE. Slipping out the back down to get the extra thrill of being with someone new instead experiencing more with the one who has put a calmness over your heart. Out here spending money on material things that diminish in value in one year where there’s a community in need of donations to help the homeless or sponsor education scholarships for children who want better. We walk around broadcasting how we just dropped a million in King of Diamonds but then reports surfaced that we are delinquent on taxes or a woman has been in court pursuing child support payments for a “secret love child”. Women have stopped doing things for themselves and put all their investment into the wet walls between their legs without a Plan B attaching themselves like magnets to well known celebrities thinking they struck a gold mine. Letting men violate their integrity, respect and being a WOMAN just to have the finer things but we’re losing the most IMPORTANT things.
People are not as humble, grateful nor thankful for the opportunities that GOD has presented them with instead they giving people their ass to kiss while they play mind games not remembering how at one time they too were caught up in the struggle of living and being a “regular” person. Fame and fortune has changed a lot of people, now all of sudden you got amnesia of how you were worried about how you would pay your rent, standing at the bus stop waiting 30 minutes or eating oodles & noodles for 3 square meals.
It’s time to either turn the channel or cut off the damn t.v., too many people are being followers and I’m a LEADER.
For a minute, I put my pen down for awhile and stop logging into my blogs where I would share my thoughts and feelings on certain issues that some of us recognize on a DAILY basis to see where am I going in the world today? Looked around and behind me, I notice the same things happening repeatedly with either no ending or adding anything beneficial. Funny, how people think you are NOT paying attention but quiet as kept you are PAYING ATTENTION.
There comes a time where you just start purposely making distances between yourself and certain things that don’t seem to blend in with your everyday lifestyle for the better. You went from hanging out all night to being home before 11 p.m. without a care in the world, calling up folks to see what the plan is for the night to hitting the ignore button because you just don’t want to be bothered anymore. Nothing out here excites me anymore nor is it fun to live that life, I’ve seen more boring days then someone trapped inside a cell on lockdown lately. The only that motivates us is MONEY whether it’s good or bad, it’s what makes us move a little faster throughout the day. But I’ve always said “All money ain’t good money” sometimes I pass on opportunities because it doesn’t feel right or I don’t want to be tied to certain people because in the long run it’s bound to come back to surface.
I started riding by myself so that I don’t have to accomodate people or turn my radio down because they don’t like the song or hear the same sh** they told me last week. People are so funny these days and you just never where you actually stand with someone until you figured it out through actions but then they wonder why you don’t come around anymore. I put so much space between me and my family more than I do my friends because the cycle has never changed and no one is there to be accounted for in the first place. Honestly, my family died on October 25, 2007 and I knew I was all by myself. Negativity has played a major part in why people stray away because nobody has time to battle everyday life trying to make it on top of hearing or sightseeing things that will break them down or add more stress to everything else. But sometimes, you have to because those around you could be the ones who are blocking so many blessings coming your way because they’re shielding you from anything that is POSSIBLE. When a person leaves you they take a piece of your mind, your heart, your comfort zone and most of all your energy.
Like others, I have cut many people off because of stupidity, no support, not accepting and most of all fake sh**. Who wants to constantly hear their friend talk about being beat down by her dude or him giving her multiple diseases but she loves him and she’s so damn self-centered or the one who always cries wolf and every time you come but when your call out your cries go unheard as if it’s nothing major. Half the time people talking or doing sh** that makes you say “I can’t f*** with you” like that. Will I lie and say I’m not standoffish or antisocial????…..Nope not at all because some people have truly made it that way and it was so easy to do it.
I’ve become so easily irritated by the bullsh** and those who down play someone else’s life for not “faking it to make it” but standing up and saying the STRUGGLE is real out here and it has effected me in some way. I’m like a light switch the power company uses to cut your electricity off because I am so turned the f*** off by all the mirages other people have created as real images for others to see but unfortunately I ain’t buying it. I watched how people get sucked up into this “entertainment” life that I thought I was watching a comedy show with front row seats. I’m not changing who I am to feel validated or acceptable to society that’s why GOD made us all different because we’re suppose to have our own frame of mind.
So I start creating space by clearing out the old for the new…… :)
What do you want? What are you looking for? What qualities do you look for? People sure do know how to ask the right questions, you give the right answers and they give you the wrong actions. It’s like standing on the podium after being drafted, nominated or receiving an award and then BOOM!! You’re hit with all the questions repeatedly after all the positive feedbacks and comments that make you feel like you were on top. That’s how it’s feels out here in the world, nobody’s on the manhunt for love but the questions come as if they are willing and ready to fulfill what you want right then and there on the spot.
I get some tired of repeating myself about what I want, what I am looking for or what I need it’s ridiculous why even ask when you know damn well you can’t even complete the first task of being REAL about it is you’re looking for? How about be honest about what you want instead of saying “That’s all?” or “You can have that”. Talk is soooo cheap.. No scratch that out it’s FREE, it’s like receiving a trial size offering to subscribe then later find out it’s all some bullsh** to have you commit to something that is NOT even worth it. You got people signing up to receive all the free offers but don’t wanna pay the amount it takes to keep having it and I’m NOT talking about money or gifts either. You lose out on a lot by being selfish, inconsiderate, attentive, caring and honest, you just let the good ones slip right through your fingers because you can’t recognize when you are surrounded around good people because you are so accustom to being with those who don’t mean sh** in the end. While those continue to question “When will you ever get it??”. Sometimes, you gotta reflect on your own life, trials and tribulations to get to a conclusion that things you deserve are simpler than what you thought but you make it so much harder than what it has to be by overshadowing it with doubts, fears, negativity and speculations.
By the time, you catch the message it already too late because you want to move at your pace like the world just automatically stops until you’re ready to care, ready to love, ready to be willing, READY TO GROW UP. People have spent years waiting on someone to finally get it but they never do so what you gone do then keep waiting? Or get your a** up and let it go?? I hate when people come and ask you for your advice on what they should do but continue to do what THEY wanna do it’s pointless to even bring it up!!! It’s all in what you are willing to do or put it with to feel loved or that they truly care. I’m one that feels I can ALWAYS do bad by myself I don’t need no extra weight or an EXTRA person to help me out. Unfortunately, some have been misguided, mistreated and mentally manipulated to thinking this is the way to love and to accept what is right when all the signs scream WRONG!!… no ma’am I can’t do it. I am one will NOT back down, keep quiet, let things roll down my back or just give in without a fight. I will only submit when I feel 100% secure about where things are going and all actions have proved to me that’s is okay because “He is doing everything right so far”. No one never said that things or people were perfect but we all deserve the best and to be treated as if they were the person sleeping next to them or the one they call for advice. How can you even get mad about someone wanting reassurance about those they are dealing with when it pertains to involving them in their life?
It’s like a job dealing with people, first you hire them but before they start they have to be screened, get a background check and be placed on 90-day probation to see where they stand before they received any benefits, a permanent position or even a slight raise for staying on top of their “A” game. But everyone knows how that goes you gotta fly right until after 90 then you can start acting a damn fool not showing or giving a damn about the position you have been placed in. Hearts have turned cold, Love no longer exists and beliefs are like mirages these days. Women use to dream of walking down the aisle now we can’t even imagine being in a relationship with a good man, while men went from wanting a woman who completes them to running after women who only looks good but has nothing else to offer. Society has us all over the place where some don’t even have a mind of their own so they follow suit. Instead of asking where do someone stands with you, start asking where is the common grounds to began?
You always hear a few of us on Twitter maybe Facebook saying, “The Struggle is REAL out here”… It’s just not a saying anymore, it’s the damn truth because it’s getting harder and harder each day for some of us to make it,hell even lived. Even my lifestyle has changed where I could frequently go into the stores, buy a few pair of shoes and an outfit to maybe I better hold my money because things are getting a little TIGHT. The economy is getting weaker and weaker, the government is making DRASTIC cuts that makes people wonder “Do they even give a damn about us, the middle class… wait scratch that…. the POOR?”
The Struggle is what’s causing a lot of stress and burdens on people lives these days that would make you feel like it’s no hope at the end the road. Walking into the grocery to purchase food to only see the prices has risen when you have set budget to spend and you walk out with the little bags you have thinking “I really didn’t buy sh** but I spent X amount of money just to eat this week”. More than 48% of America now owns an EBT Card, the best way to eat because the cash needs to go towards the lights, gas or water or medicine that you need daily. The job market has drowned in the shallow end of the pool and the stock markets has taken a nose dive right into the seed that creates the trees. Forcing many to move back home with their parents or share a household with new roommates when you’re use to living by alone and COMFORTABLE but hey, every bit of help counts towards ANYTHING right now. Many franchises such as Borders, Best Buy, AJ Wright and several others have been forced to terminate employees and close their doors permanently because sales have declined to meet expectations where you see “EVERYTHING MUST GO” signs plastered by the deadline while the unemployment numbers climbs another height reaching Billboard’s #1.
The Housing Market adds a new property every 24 hours due to foreclosures, repossessions and bank defaults because the mortgage rates are too damn high or the family can’t generate enough income to pay it or the taxes. Even celebrities are falling behind on payments or abandoning properties because they NOW see, they can’t afford that 2.3 million dollar custom home picked out because they HAD a #1 movie or album that year. Let’s not even talk about buying CD’s or movies, who can afford to pay $15.99 for an album that might only have to 3 good songs on there when the gas light just went off in the car and you still have 4 days to go until payday. We went from looking at our savings of $500 or more to maybe having $10 until the next pay period while you’re trying to save up for the holidays or just to have a stash for a rainy day…. yeah right.. It’s harder trying to save money then pay a bill.
Everyone is just looking for a better way but then turn all their anger to the President as if he promised to have EVERYTHING in order within 2 years but with 8 years worth of damage done to our country, expecting this man to walk on water like he’s GOD or somebody. Some things may have been accomplished that may go unheard or notice but the bigger picture is America is not winning right now. Yes, we NEED JOBS….Yes, we NEED Social Security….Yes, we NEED Healthcare….Yes, we need to be able to live but right now all we can do is survive and only the STRONG will, why????……. Because the STRUGGLE is REAL out here.
No matter what anyone says we all had 1 or 2 in our lives, you never know when it’s coming but when it does you just want to know when will it end. Everything seems to be going so good until you hit that point in the road when it all breaks down or it begins to rain extremely hard not even an umbrella was strong enough to keep you dry or you won’t be able to see. You try so desperately to weather the storms that brewed and keep hope alive that in the end you will see the most beautiful rainbow ever seen in the sky.
Too many people think it can never happen to them because they’ve always stayed on top of maintaining certain situations by “prevention”. But somethings are just not controllable or your hands are tied extremely tight they’ve started to turn blue. I see it all the time where as people walk around giving others their ass to kiss while they gallop by on this pretty white horse looking down like it’s unheard to be where that person was. Climbing the ladder to the top passing those by who offered a helping hand with littlest things that meant so much more than those prize possession you worshipped over being thankful and appreciative. Offering no gratitude because you felt like you deserved and expect it to be that way. Turning your back on those after you walked away with benefits to get you to the next stage of process acting like you wasn’t walking right beside them a few years ago. Watching people set themselves up for failure in the worst way from money to friendships, laughing it off telling you: “Don’t worry I got this, there’s no way you will see me at the bottom”. While we stand by shaking our heads like one day you will have to come back down to “Earth”“
Success is nothing WITHOUT humbleness, positivity, hard work and appreciation but it’s been crossed out and replaced with selfishness, theft, negativity, lies, decent and greed. As quick as you rose to the top being in that atmosphere the faster yours will come and you will NEED again, I promise you. That’s why they say: “Never bite the hand that feeds you” because once you bit off more than you can chew your supply has gone dry and no one wants give anymore…. now what? You went from being this person who could walk into all the name brand stores picking out anything like it’s cost was nothing to shopping at discount store looking for a good bargain or constantly on the clearance rack, eating the finest foods off that high ass menu to applying for an EBT card waiting for your benefits to be applied or driving the most expensive cars some of us will never see to standing at the bus stop waiting for the next transfer but oh no, not you remember???… Because you NEVER thought it could happen. That’s what’s wrong with a lot of people so busy trying to impress others with the foolishness that it causes them to lose everything they had from money to their pride. If you can barely get yourself a bottle in V.I.P. why would I try to get 5 people one? Why would you make it rain in the club spending like 10 grand to show off when you can invest and watch your money grow while showing your maturity about having it? Why would you go out and buy the 10 most expensive cars when it’s only you? Or have to live in a 10 bedroom home when you’re living alone? We all have seen a lot of famous celebrities, athletes and others fall off by making financial mistakes on the strength of acting like they never had ANYTHING in the first place and never saved a dime when the struggle spreads across your doorstep.
Other downfalls have came due to the weak economic throughout America, where you’ve practically done everything you could to stay afloat but it seems like you drowning slowly in debt, credit has deteriorated and your robbing Peter to pay Paul. You have never suffer so hard financially because you were able to save and put money away for a rainy day, now you stay withdrawing from it like it’s been raining 40 days and 40 nights non-stop just to live. While other had the funds to live comfortably but they chose to splurge on things that can’t be accounted for or hold any value in 10 years to save their life, so busy living in the moment they forgot you still have to live in 10 years. Famous names disappear off our tongues and the t.v. because they can’t make another hit or movie to save their lives or the music isn’t catchy to the newest generation or there’s new talent that the agents or A & R want presently, so we began to ask “Whatever happen to them?”. Karma plays a HUGE part of a downfall because of the way you mistreated people or felt like the world owed you so much that you forgot to thank those or GOD who helped you get to where you wanted to be leaving folks behind so that you can blend in with the “Hollywood Society” that offered you an open invitation to attend and when the party is over you’re left depressed, desperate, on drugs, abusing alcohol or on suicide watch because you can’t cope or handle how things have turned out.
People need to always remember the SAME people you see going up, will be the SAME people you will see while you’re going down……